Some decisions are easier to make than others

Over the past few weeks I’ve been faced with and have made some decisions that have changed my path.

A few weeks ago I got a call from my mother saying that my grandfather had a major stroke and was rushed into hospital. I received the news just before I went into a class and found it almost impossible to get through the class without falling apart.

I’m from what used to be a small town and grew up with my grandparents there for every part of my life whether it was a major or insignificant event, often being one of the only stable things around. I’ve always been very close to my grandparents and have missed them dearly the past 10 years I’ve been away from home. My grandfather unexpectedly stepped into a father role for me when I was 6 and as an adult was one of the only people in my family who I felt understood my decision to live on the other side of the world, himself originally being from Belfast, Northern Ireland.

Every time I leave New Zealand I say goodbye to people as if I will never see them again but I feel like I have been given an opportunity to go home and spend some much needed time and to say goodbye for what may be the last time.  How could you give that up?

One thing I’ve learnt from being here is that my family, and those who I’ve adopted as family over the years, are more important to me than I’d ever imagined. As much as I love doing this kind of work, if my own family and support network is not strong I am not able to help others as effectively as I’d like to be able to.

So I’ve made the decision to go on to New Zealand 5 weeks earlier than originally planned. My decision came down to one simple question. As harsh as it may be, what comes first, family or Cambodians who I may never see again?

Having spent so much time here around people who don’t have a family or have a disjointed family, often with people living on opposite sides of the country in order to earn money, I have a lot more respect and time for my own family and loved ones.  I’ve thought about my family a lot since being here and when I received the news from my mum I knew what I needed to do

It’s been hard to explain to the teachers and kids my desire to be with my family at this time as life here means something different and so many of them do not have grandparents. When I told them I was leaving I was given completely blanks looks. At first I was a little angry as I felt like they had no compassion but when I got home I realised that, as I’ve been learning over the past months, they value life in a different way. 

I’ve spent a lot of time working on the management of the project and teaching. The work has by no means been easy. I’ve battled through the intense heat, floods, snakes, scorpions, spiders, putting my foot in it over and over again culturally, volunteers throwing themselves out of tuktuks, being a woman in a male dominated environment, being sick, some way or another, the entire time I’ve been here – just to name a few! In some ways I feel like I’ve achieved everything and nothing all at the same time. It’s been a place of many challenges and very mixed emotions.  I’ve passed on a lot of skills to the founder so that he can better prepare for the unexpected and run the project on the ground more efficiently. I feel like I have passed on as much as I can and as much as he can take in. I’m now curious to see what changes he takes on and what he doesn’t.

The government is bringing in a new law to govern how charities are set up and run in Cambodia. I think it’s a great idea, some of the restrictions and requirements are too harsh for a non-government organisation (NGO) but at the same time there is absolutely no monitoring of NGOs going on here and they can basically do as they please. So in order to regulate them the government is brining in a bit of a controversial law. With the requirements that need to be met to register under the new law there is quite a bit of work to be done, especially for grassroots charities who do not have the finances to employ the manpower to complete the papers. Without the new registration, when the law comes into force, the charity in Cambodia will not be able to function.

I’ve worked on the different requirements needed for the registration but working in a culture where forward planning is not the norm, has been a challenge in itself. It’s been hard not just being able to fix the project, as I’m here to teach someone to do these things not do them for him and I’m so used to fixing things in my day job that need fixing. What I saw as issues they often did not see or were not capable of being able to look further ahead. The change in regulations will determine how the charity will run here and only time will tell what happens.

I’m finding it hard to step back, say goodbye to the kids who are so willing to learn, the teachers who have come on leaps and bounds with their English and teaching abilities and a community who have totally embraced me into their world.  All you get to take home are the photos and the memories.

I’m pretty sure about the things I’ll miss and won’t miss when I get back to civilisation again. The kids I’ll miss like crazy but I’m more than happy to leave the greed behind.

So sadly this week my time here comes to an end.  I’ve said goodbye to the kids who left me with huge hugs, smiles and a letter for my grandfather from one of the kids. In a few days I board a plane to Christchurch, a city which now looks very different to the one I left and to an old man I love dearly and can only help by being there and giving my time.